Accepting the Atonement

My ego was front - and - center - this past week, like an unruly toddler with no parental guidance.

I went toe to toe with my resentments, caressed my fears, and wore shame like a badge of honor all week and for the first time - I was super uncomfortable. Sure, I’ve never enjoyed living in a state of fear and pain but there has been a sense of normalcy attached to these loud experiences.

In the throes of acknowledging the presence of my boisterous ego I was absolutely judging every thought, emotion, and action I was experiencing.

Imagine that.

At that very moment, I was aware that my ego was cropping up to say hello and I immediately judged the fact that my ego was doing what the ego does best. And thus the judgment, resentment, guilt, fear, and shame sprinted on the proverbial hamster wheel, making zero headway.

Complex. Resistant. Frantic. Fragmented.

Over the last 5 weeks, I’ve joined a really awesome group with some really amazing humans that I meet with on Sunday nights, and what divine timing. We’ve had some enlightening but challenging conversations about forgiveness.

I say all of that to explain the internal conflict I felt this week.

Standing in the middle of what seemed to be the Groundhog’s Day version of Judith Viorst’s “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” - no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t escape the discomfort. I was physically, spiritually, and emotionally crawling out of my skin.

From betrayal, offenses, conflict, and lost relationships I found myself reverting back to what I know best - condemnation.

I became the judge, jury, and executioner of myself but somehow expected myself to practice forgiveness of others.

After being beaten to a state of submission, I reached out to some mentors and desperately asked for help. Intellectually, I knew that none of my emotions, thoughts, or actions were serving me. However, I couldn’t seem to put my finger on the root.

Deep in conversation, it was said to me “Once we realize that every single situation we experience we signed up for and co-created, once we recognize that no one on this planet has ever done anything TO us and that we are all One - connected to God, we can begin to shift our mindset.”

Initially, I was annoyed. Thoughts of “Okay so I co-created abuse? Or how about the fact I was absolutely betrayed by the people I love and trusted, seemingly without provocation?”

Complex. Resistant. Frantic. Fragmented.

You see the ego loves to chime in before I have a chance to challenge its impulsivity with Truth.

I dove deeper. Taking a deep breath, observing from a bird’s eye view - it was clear as day. The state of my outer world was a replica of my inner state of being at that very moment. Word for word, many of the conversations that stirred up pain for me last week were almost exact scripts that I had been rehearsing to my innermost self and to some of these people over and over and over again.

When I meet anyone, I am simply meeting myself.

The condemnation, self-deprecation, and resentment I had been repeating over and over again to myself were being reflected back to me. I saw it, clear as day, for the very first time.

I have been desperately trying to be good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, and work hard enough - all the while, atonement has been sitting under my nose waiting for me to stop running and thrashing around.

In the belly of the whale, I needed to just feel it - all of it.

I just needed to be still.

Simple. Accepting. Stabile. Whole.

Atonement is a principle that takes us into a state of certainty of who we are.

Atonement is the end of choice - there is no decision to be made, it just is. A state of being that is so tranquil and orchestrated in our favor time and time again. There are no exceptions or requirements - we simply have to accept the atonement.

As this week came to a close, I became lucidly aware that I was only dreaming.

“To awaken within the dream is our purpose now. When we are awake within the dream, the ego-created earth drama comes to an end and a more benign and wondrous dream arises. This is the new earth.” - Eckhart Tolle

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I hope you all have a beautiful week - thank you for following along on this journey with me.