depth > distance
For the last year, I’ve been on this journey of healing and some intentional self-discovery. Walking out of my last relationship was tough. Another failed attempt at starting a family. Another toxic relationship in which I utterly lost all sense of self.
I had two options walking out of that relationship:
Allow this age-old “failure” narrative to dictate my life
OR
Use every single step in my experience to learn, grow, and propel me into an entirely different perspective.
Fortunately, I chose the latter.
I can’t say I have ventured down this road without some resistance and hesitation. In fact, a natural byproduct of walking through immense emotional pain and growth is resistance.
Resistance to opening myself up to vulnerability.
Resistance to trusting others.
Resistance to challenging the false narrative hindering my growth.
More often than not, I have let others in - but just enough to get to know the bare minimum - never close enough to face the risk of ever being hurt again.
I ventured down the road of attempting to date my best friend. To be honest, it seemed like a safe bet. After all, he already knew the good, the bad, and he had seen ALL of the ugly.
Man, was I completely fooled by the insidious limitations we place on ourselves as a direct result of fear.
Here I was, venturing down this different experience with someone that I was always able to maintain raw vulnerability with and something shifted. I was no longer the best girl friend that would rant and rave about her shortcomings and was bold enough to be her most authentic self - but rather I retreated back into my surface-level, guarded tendencies.
The intimacy and depth that I valued most within that particular relationship dwindled and I found myself unintentionally causing harm to someone I really cared for.
Just as with almost every situation that causes a little pain in my life, I was forced to turn inward after my best friend blocked me on all accounts and refused to be “friends”.
You see, the very component of that particular friendship that made the relationship so special is the very thing that I ran from the second we stepped out of “friend zone”. I was open for total transparency and being a complete idiot - until the risk of getting hurt came into play.
And just like that, I did what I’ve always done - I put my walls up and kept things surface level.
Taking some intense alone time to re-evaluate the relationships in my life I have come to the conclusion that the most meaningful friendships I have today are raw, organic, and reciprocal.
These qualities construct a solid foundation for lasting, meaningful, accountable, and loving relationships.
As often as my head tells me to choose distance, my heart craves the depth that I find in the souls of other humans placed on my path.
It’s Tuesday and there’s money to be made and goals to slay - get after it. I love alllll of you beautiful people.