Gut yourself open
I have written an entire blog, but I can’t publish it. It’s an installment I wrote in hopes of drowning out the deafening pain I’m in at this very moment.
I can hear “gut yourself open” repeating over and over again in my head. But why?
Is there someone who needs to hear what I have to say? Is there some sort of revelation coming as I dive right into these jolts of painful memories? Am I unable to publish anything else until I let this out? Is this where I’m even supposed to process these things?
I can’t answer a single one of the questions above. To be quite frank, I’m beyond pained - I want to run, far far away. Avoidance has been my solace for 25+ years of my life.
I’m uncomfortable, triggered, fearful, and absolutely powerless.
Domestic violence is a touchy subject for most of us. In fact, I was a part of the “Well why doesn’t she just leave?” narrative - before I experienced it myself.
Everything I have judged, I have either become or been forced to walk through myself.
I have come to the realization that any conversation surrounding abuse is a conversation that most of us would prefer to avoid, but only if it isn’t affecting us directly. Sure we may give a “bless her heart.” or “man I hate that for him”, but underneath the empty one-liners there’s typically a lot of skepticism, judgment, and a whole lot of denial.
This space that I’ve been ignoring and busy-ing myself out of is here and beckoning my call to walk through it.
Healing is not linear. Healing doesn’t wait for our eager willingness, but rather it nags and nags until we either react or respond.
I was smacked in the face with all of it this week. I had my face shoved right into the reality I lived in for far too long. I was met by denial, dismissal, and minimization.
That little 5-year-old girl who was taken advantage of and felt unheard was screaming for someone to just listen.
I was reacting, that scared little girl was reacting. The woman I am today was fighting to comfort that little girl and seek a response rather than a dramatic, emotional reaction.
Thank you, God, for the awareness that overflows into these moments.
As I’m typing this, memories of my bloodied face, bruised body, being desecrated by an angry perpetrator’s spit shot to the face(more times than I care to count), broken bones, self-hatred, helplessness, hopelessness, and absolute destruction fill my mind.
I hated myself. I allowed false narratives to become my truth. There were moments I was sure I wouldn’t make it out alive and that outcome sounded much more pleasant than the hell I was living in.
The cycle of abuse is real. The fear running through my veins right now is so tangible.
I could sit in utter victimization but instead, I’m choosing to share my experience on this platform in hopes it helps one woman or man breathe a little easier. It’s a call to be vulnerable. A call to hold up the truth and a call to love.
What if I could take the fearful rage inside of me and find a way to end the cycle for everyone involved?
To the skeptics - Be weary of your contempt prior to investigation. I challenge you to look and pray fervently for the truth. I promise you, either way, it may be uncomfortable but everything kept in the dark keeps us all sick and suffering.
To the abusers - I pity you, I know that underneath all of that rage is a whole lot of fear and pain. There’s a whole lot of self-hatred under your abusive language and actions. Hurt people, hurt people. If you can find a glimmer of humility - grasp onto it. Ask for help. None of us are perfect, however, what we do when we hurt other people is a solid indicator of our character. If you don’t find a way to right your wrongs, I promise you will continue to grasp at straws trying to fill the void deep inside of you and you’ll come up empty - time and time again.
To the victims of abuse - Take heart. You aren’t alone. Your pleas, though they may be silent, are not unheard. Do not let your experience harden you. Do not let the dismissals and denials of others stop you from speaking your truth. There are so many other men and women out there who need you to share your story and find healing so that - they too can heal.
“There will come a time you’ll see, with no more tears, and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”
I have been sitting in this space, waking up nightmare after nightmare, as I trudge through this season. I know this isn’t a super insightful installment, but this is the best way I know how to heal - the most sacred process I continue to run back to. One word at a time, one installment at a time, one day at a time.
I’m not really sure what God has in store with all of this, but I do know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Thank you to every single human who has never invalidated my experience and all of you that continue to show up when I need you the most. My little tribe and I would be nothing without all of you.