There will come a time, you'll see
“There will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”
This Mumford song has always created such a calming, breathtaking visual in my head. Just me, walking through a field of flowers, windy day, grazing my hands through the tall grass while soaking up the sun on my freckled cheeks.
I remember hearing this song over a decade ago and the sweet acoustics fill me up with the same warmth just as it did back then.
I’ve always been a lover - sensitive, compassionate, emotional, influenced by all things musical, creative, expressive, soft, naive, and timid.
The throes of life experience shattered my fragile ego and I quickly became the opposite of who I always perceived myself to be.
Fearful, dissociated, skeptical, cynical, jaded, outspoken, and ambivalent - the world as I knew it to be was no longer familiar.
I experienced darkness that forged an unavoidable transformation. Survival became the object of my attention. There was no contingency plan.
I set out on a journey to heal and no one warned me just how riotous the venture would be. Stripped naked, raw, and vulnerable, the chaos burned around me as the dead things melted away.
I’ve sat back while onlookers added fuel to my fire, spoke disingenuous narratives over my story, discredited my testimony, and made a mockery of every fine detail of my experience.
You can’t unsee what you’ve seen. Once the veil has been removed, there’s no going back. But there is always a choice on how to proceed forward.
Inextricably entangled with my new identity, I swore I’d never reunite with the woman I was before - but God had other plans.
“Night has always pushed up day. You must know life to see decay. But I won't rot, I won't rot. Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot.”
The morning is coming and a return to self is on the horizon. There are seasons in life in which we encounter and overcome exactly what we are supposed to as we trudge forward.
I’m not bound to the limitations of the survivalist I’ve become acquainted with. The trusting, emotional, accepting, and soft servant has been patiently awaiting her homecoming.
Seasons ebb and flow - the only constant is change and suffering.
I’ll choose the suffering, over and over again as a sacrament to the birth of my highest and best self.
The only way to the other side is through the fire. There will come a day when I will rejoice over the sun instead of wallowing over the darkness.
For those of you speaking death and pouring dirt over my name - I’ll bloom and I’ll continue to extend love and grace just as it’s been extended to me. Thank you for helping me grow.
For those of you that have been following along and supporting my journey - this is my WHY. This is HOW I keep pushing forward. All of the flowers are just on the other side of this hill. Head held high, shoulders back, truth spilling from my trembling lips - holding up the truth has never tasted sweeter. Love wins.