We do the hard things
This is me, posing by the pool for my sassy, fiery, bold 4-year-old - Aryanna.
This Mother’s Day was unlike any other I have experienced.
Ever since the passing of my mom, this day has been a whole lot of doom and gloom. Fast forward to landing in South Florida - I found myself abstinent from drugs and alcohol but reveling in misery.
Left to my own devices and with no solution, I was neck-deep in chaos and absolutely void of any sense of self. My identity was “Liam and Aryanna’s mom”. I truly had no idea who I was or how to chip away from the core beliefs that overshadowed my true identity.
I left my last relationship, battered and beaten into a state of submission. I had two choices, do the hard things OR drink again. The alternative was bleak and fortunately, I dove headfirst into anything and everything that would cultivate a life beyond anything I would’ve ever dreamt of.
I think I speak for most moms when I say that 99% of us feel like we’ve missed the mark. Between questioning our mothering skills all the way down to screams of inadequacies that follow a day in which there were just not enough hours to compensate.
I get the “How do you do it all?” question often.
The truth is, I don’t.
If I am excelling in one area of my life, I can almost guarantee that I am falling short in another. If I am working on a massive project for work, it’s likely that I failed to read that extra book to Aryanna before bed. If I’m spending 4 nights at the ball field, I’m slacking on my writing. If all of the laundry in the house is done, I surely haven’t slept.
After all, I am one person. One human that is doing the best she can with what she’s got and running towards the hard things.
That was the changing of the guards for me. Once I made it through the year of total survival mode, living paycheck to paycheck unsure of how I’d put the next meal on the table - I knew I had some difficult decisions to make.
I knew that my kids were only getting 1/4 out of the 1/2 version of myself that they were meeting on a daily basis. I knew I had to suit up, show up, and do the hard things.
One by one I started to challenge the old core beliefs that made up the entire persona that I identified with for 32 years. It wasn’t long before I realized that I had been living a lie - a whole lie.
My perception of myself was not my own, but rather a compilation of the opinions others held of me and a combination of every single painful experience that my subconscious mind did its best to make sense of.
I began differentiating feelings from facts and little by little I met myself.
Naked and exposed on every front: there she is.
I am her - hand in hand with that little girl that just wanted to love and be loved, carrying a zeal for life that was unstoppable, fearless, compassionate, bold, unapologetically honest, imperfect, adventurous, creative, and absolutely lovable.
In order to make the divine connection with the truest version of myself, I had to do the hard things.
I had to venture deep into my protective subconscious to unpack and simply acknowledge years of trauma. I began validating my own experiences and along the way I discovered just how worthy I am.
I started holding up the truth with love. I was met with resistance and “you’re so abrasive” responses from the people that benefited from my passive martyrdom - I held up the truth anyway.
I refused to waver on my boundaries, in fact, I continue to fight to hold the line with a tenacity that is unshakeable.
I gracefully began letting go of the people, places, and things that did not align with the path I was trudging on. I grieved, but I no longer chase after and cling to the things that are not meant for me.
I had the hard conversations. The conversations that I’ve avoided most of my life with the people I love the most. Through unsteady hands and a trembling voice - I have the hard conversations.
This Mother’s Day I took some time to not only acknowledge the victories in motherhood but also in my development as a woman stepping into her own power and her most authentic self.
I am damn proud of the woman, mother, colleague, daughter, sister, and friend that I am today. THAT is worth celebrating.
Motherhood is just another gracious responsibility that I have been entrusted with and man am I grateful.
I’d like to close this installment out by also saying thank you to all of you who have been here all along the way. The friends that never fail to cheer me on, publicly and privately. To the women in my life that show up to pep talk Liam when he’s hormonal and match Aryanna’s fiery energy when I can’t. To my mom friends that never fail to encourage me with funny Tik Toks and self-deprecating jokes. To my colleagues that make my ambitions and passions possible by trusting me and becoming some of my closest friends. To the friends that show up to get my kids from A to B after a freak chiropractic injury. To all of you that read along on this raw journey I jot down on this platform and message me just to remind me I’m not alone - THANK YOU.
I wouldn’t be half the woman I am today without all of you.
I hope all of my favorite Mamas had the best day with the ones they love the most.