What kind of friend are you?
After surviving this last week with laryngitis and navigating through the chaos of the long 4th of July weekend, I found myself overwhelmingly grateful for the friends I have in my life today.
Upon reflecting on the members of my tribe, I couldn’t help but turn my inquisitions inwards as I thought about what kind of friend I am and what kind of friend I want to be.
From my 31 years of naive, selfish, but developmental living I have come to realize that there are various types of friendships that have blossomed and also pruned their way out of my life.
You know the cheesy Pinterest-worthy quote that says something along the lines of "Some people come into your life as a blessing or a lesson.” - it really isn’t far off from the truth.
I like to think that there are 3 main types of friends that we all encounter at some point in our lives:
The Fair-weather Friend
Undoubtedly, the most disappointing type of friend we encounter is the fair-weather friend - the one who is only interested in friendship when it’s conventional, beneficial, or easy for them to engage. In other words, this is the friend that is present when the conditions of psychological weathering are calm, welcoming, and pleasant.
The fair-weather friend is the mate who operates in transactions. Perhaps he/she is an opportunist and is only consistent when your friendship is directly benefiting their cause. Or maybe this friend is the type of friend that drops off the face of the Earth when the storm rolls in and they no longer find your emotional atmosphere convenient.
If you are walking through a difficult season, don’t expect this “friend” to ask how they can help. It’s likely that you are devout in sharing your support and compassion to this friend during the emotionally wet seasons of their life, meanwhile, you never receive the slightest bit of reciprocation. The lack of availability from this friend in the midst of your valleys is likely to leave you feeling empty and abandoned.
Here today, gone tomorrow - that’s the best way to describe your best fair-weather friend.
The Foul-Weather Friend
Man-oh-man do I know all about these types of friendships. A stark contrast to the fair-weather friend, the foul-weather friend is absolutely absent when the skies are clear and all seems to be well on your home front. This type of friend is the type of friend who finds you far less appealing when your internal barometer is operating in the optimal range.
The foul-weather friend finds comfort in claiming your friendship when you are down-and-out, white-knuckling, and barely able to trudge up the mountain. These types of humans are aroused by your misfortunes. While this friend may offer great advice, support, and empathy - don’t expect to have any interactions with the foul-weathered friend when you are embracing a new, exciting opportunity or slaying your goals.
What could a foul-weather friend possibly gain from your adversity? I’ve been asking myself this question for the last year and a half. I can’t count the number of “friends” that dropped off the map when I was no longer the chaotic, broken, victim of domestic violence. My best guess is that these types of people are insecure and looking for the next “one-up” to add to their self-validating acts of service - at your expense.
The Ride-or-Die Friend
Finally, we reach the type of friend (that I hope) all of us aspire to be and want to have in our corner. Despite contrary belief, the ride-or-die friend isn’t the friend who is always standing in your corner, ready to embark on consigning your next toxic trait. This type of friend is actually the type of friend that exudes accountability, loyalty, and reliability.
It wasn’t until I got sober that I was actually the type of person who could attract these types of friends in my life. The ride-or-die friends that I have in my life today are the kind of friends that I can go weeks without talking to and they never fail to send out a “How are you - I miss you.” text without the slightest hint of passive-aggressive jabs, but rather genuinely want to check in on how I’m doing.
The ride-or-die friends never take your brief absences personally. They are not the type of friends that wait for the next moment to shoot an “I told you so.” your way. These types of friendships are truly reciprocal in nature - there’s no scorekeeping, expectations, or judgment. But rather, ride-or-die friends are the kind of friends that meet you in the middle of your storms, love you right where you are, cheer obnoxiously loud on your behalf, always hold up the truth, and rally around your failure and triumphs.
Most ride-or-die friendships are birthed out of the trenches of sharing the common bond of pain. These are the kinds of friends that suit up and show up when you have absolutely nothing to offer. From my experience, these are the most beautiful friendships a human can have.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” — Anais Nin
I don’t know what kind of friends you have in your life today. Personally, I have friends in every category. I’ve spent enough time in my life judging others - only to find myself replicating everything I’ve ever condemned.
For all my fair-weather and foul-weather friends, I try my best to meet them where they are, eliminate expectations, and set firm boundaries.
For my ride-or-die friends, I try my best to reciprocate and value each and every second I get to walk through life with them in my corner.
What kind of friend are you? What kind of friend do you want to be?